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Pre-op Transsexual
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Classy / Stylish
3rd Jan 2014
Well it's a new year, and it's a new positive attitude. I'm living my life for me. If people don't want to be part of that, then they will be missing out. I have to be myself, and I have a renewed positivity for it. I'm going to be who I am meant to be, in fact who I am really am. And I am changing my name. I want something the reflects this new spirit. I am going to be called Jess.
13th August 2013
Well I am very settled at home, was in a very short space of time really. Love my new place. Been having quite a stressful time at work, could really do with getting out of that place as soon as I can. It's no good for my peace of mind. But needs must at the moment. We all need money right?
Trying to decide on what my next steps are. Due to the whole stress situation, I've kind of put my 'life' on hold for a bit and so progress with my transition had slowed dramatically. I need now to start making some proper decisions. I haven't been back to see my doctor yet as I feel that I need to get my family issue resolved one way or the other. I fear they will reject me again, and this has made me shy away from approaching them about it. I know that it is my life to live how I want (and need), but I do not want to lose them. Who would?
I also struggle all the time with what I call my birth defect. Often I look in the mirror and ask myself who am I kidding? I know my pictures look ok generally, but I hate how I have to fight so hard to look relatively ok. I hate hate hate my facial hair but I can't afford Laser or anything like that. The events of the last few years have really knocked my confidence and I am yet to go out again, for fear of what people will say or do. I know that what people think doesn't matter (in theory), but in practice it can be a whole different story (trust me I know, had some unpleasant experiences whilst commuting etc).
Anyway less of my negativity, I really should do a more upbeat entry at some point!
Update 11th May 2013 -
Well I am finally in my new place. Still surrounded by a few boxes, but I just know I am going to be happy here.
Update 26th March 2013 -
Well after looking at numerous places over the last 2 days, I have found a flat I really like and have paid the fees. Hopefully it'll all go smoothly, and if so I will be moving in on the 10th of May. Sounds like a long while, but I'm sure it'll go quickly whilst I make arrangements.
Update 25th March 2013 -
Broke up with my partner yesterday. It was painful but reasonably amicable, as much as these things can be. Now on the look up for somewhere new to live.
Update 22nd March 2013 -
Well I think that's probably the last nail in the coffin for my current relationship. We had a blazing row last night, and I was accused of not caring for her because I continually express this side of me. I do care about her, but as the months have gone on, I realise that once again, I have to be true to myself. I have to be strong this time and stand up for myself. I know that being who I am causes issues for other people, but that is for them to deal with.
So where do I go from here? Well, I will need to start looking into finding somewhere I can live. It may end up being a tiny dank flat someplace, but I just need to start somewhere so I can be myself completely again. I will try to keep you updated.
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Well it has been a really long while since I updated this. Life has been, how can I put it, complicated.
Following the events below, with my family, I ended up becoming a bit of a hermit. Eventually I had a major anxiety attack. I wasn't coping with not seeing my family, as we are very close and I needed them most of all during this time.
To my regret (yes I know we're not supposed to have them), I stopped being full time, so that I could see my family. My employers said that I couldn't keep chopping and changing, so in order to keep my job and sanity, I went back to being my male self. Shortly after this, I met a woman, she knew all about me, and we hit it off. And we have been together ever since then. However, as much as she says she understands, she is quite funny about me ever needing to express that part of me. After a couple of years I am feeling the need to be me again, more and more. As you can imagine, this is causing a lot of stress and upset. I don't know what to do as I do love her so much.
I guess ultimately I know I need to be myself all the time. I'd love to find that right person who would support me in my journey and be there to hold my hand when I need it. For now I will just have to take each day as it comes. If we do break up, I'm not sure what I will do as I can't afford to live by myself. Oh well, we'll see eh?
Update 10th Aug 2010. Just seen my sister. She told me that my parents are really not dealing with 'this' well and can't handle it. In fact when my sister talked about me, my dad got up and left the room. He won't even talk about it. And my mum is very upset too. My sister says she doesn't ever think they will be able to get to grips with it. I haven't heard from them for about a month and a half now. So it looks as though I'm more or less parentless. And my sister also said that she doesn't feel she can tell her son yet, and will probably wait a couple of years. So I'm not going to be able to see them either. Feeling a tad low as you can imagine. I knew this could possibly happen, but hits you hard when you hear it. Going to be a lonely time.
As of Monday the 2nd, I went full time and Officially changed my name by Deed Poll. I am now Miss Sasha Grace Hawkins (Hawkins being my real surname).
15th July 2010 - Sorry for the lack of updates, things have been kind of hectic. But I do have some good news. Had another appointment yesterday, and I am being referred to the gender clinic! Yay! They didn't specify it being CHX but I assume so. So just need to wait and hear now. And on top of that, as of the 16th of August, I will be Sasha full time. Both excited and nervous.
18th May 2010 - Well this is turning out to be an eventful week. Today I met with my departments HR person and told them all. She was very understanding and said that she would look into the procedures that are in place for me being able to transition to working as a woman. And of top on that, I have my appointment this Friday for my first assessment. It's all go in Sasha land.
30th April 2010 - I have just returned from seeing my GP. I have told him everything and he is referring me, so it's just a case of waiting for the letter now, the first of many I am sure.
10th April 2010 - I told my parents. I just had to do it. Felt like I couldn't move on until I had. And they were great about it. And said that they would be there for me. Wooo! Kinda exciting really, feel like I can take the next steps now.
23rd March 2010 - Well I went and told my brother all about me. Was pretty scared, but he took it really well. Was surprised obviously but told me it doesn't change anything between us and I have to be myself. It was such a relief. He even said he will support me when I tell my parents. That's the next big step.
Thanks for all of you who gave me kind comments after my previous entry, I think I just needed to have a good cry. I'm all ok now.
27/210 I am feeling very down as I write this. I have no idea what has brought it on, but I'm just feeling life is too complicated for me to be who I want to be. It would be so much easier if I just gave up. I'm going to think about it for a while.
Thank you so much! I made into the top 25. I really can't can't believe it.
Well my website is now available, would love to know what you think, good or bad.
Just like to say a thank you to those of you who sent my valentines, much appreciated. Sorry that I have not updated much recently, I will try to do a but better. I'm in the process of building my website, which will be more about me, but will also offer my photographic services to any of you who would like a profile picture done by somebody who understands. Watch this space.
30th November. Went out properly for the first time, drove up to Lacy Ladies and had a good night of dancing and meeting people. Now trying to plan my next trip to somewhere.
17th November 2009 - Had my last counseling session for the time being, and I decided it would be the time for Sasha to venture out in public. I drove to the town, parked up and then walked down a busy road, past a pub. And nobody looked twice. It was so great. Not sure why I was so worried. It won't be the last.
7th November 2009 - Been in new flat for a month now. Loving the freedom to be myself.
8th October 2009 - I will be offline for a few days whilst I move into my flat.
Update 25th Sept 09 - I have today viewed a flat which I really like and I think I will put a deposit down. Not long and I can finally be free to be me
Update 22nd Sept 09 - Tomorrow I will be having my first appointment with a Gender Counselor. Nervous but think it'll be good.
Update 15/09/09 - I have today taken steps to speak to a local gender counselor. Pretty nervous but good to set the wheels in motion too.
Having recently come out to my wife, I'm just taking each day as it comes. Hoping to become the person I know I am, more and more each day. I know deep down inside that I need to be Sasha all the time, but I'm taking it slowly due to my situation.
I'm 5'9, 10.5 stone, size 8 feet, brown eyes and hair. Very slim.
I'm looking for friends that I can share with and hopefully meet with. I need support in this journey and I hope i can find that here.
Would like to say thank you for all the lovely messages and kind words I have received. Sorry if I have not replied to you, but i will do my best!
22/08/09 Update - Major row with my wife today. i think things are falling apart. But I am who I am. I don't want to hurt anyone. But I can't live my life as a lie any more.
31/08/09 - Well it looks like things are over with my wife and I. Very heavy talk tonight, lots of tears (mostly from me). I feel like a horrible person for doing this to her, it's not her fault. But she can't accept who I am, and I wouldn't try to make her. But I can't change who I am either. Think the next few weeks are going to be very painful.
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