You have private notes attached to this profile:
(These are visible to you only)
Profile:
Pre-op Transsexual
Favorite Look:
General / Everyday wear
Profile Update: September 2012
It’s taken three years but I’ve finally got around to updating the written stuff in this profile at long last. Where to begin??....I guess a good point would be to tell ‘my story’, a short(ish) biographical, something about me, my past and present (all sounds very serious and boring but hopefully someone out there will be able to relate to it or may find it of interest….lol):-
I was born in Cardiff in 1963 and lived there until my late teens. I still go ‘back home’ from time to time to visit my parents and I also have a brother who lives in South Wales.
My earliest recollections of wanting to dress in female attire must have been as early as the age of 6 or 7. I loved the soft and silky feel of underwear, and tights in particular (still my passion!!). Since I had no sisters I would fulfil my desires by raiding my mum’s wardrobe, snatching moments here and there when everyone was out or otherwise engaged. Of course, as a child this was a totally innocent past time, but as I grew into a teenager a sexual aspect began to emerge and the two started to become as one (I cannot believe anyone who says the two are not inextricably linked). During my formative years, I seem to remember being caught a couple of times, and the subsequent ridicule always left it’s mark, that feeling of humiliation and guilt. Consequently, periods of abstinence would prevail, but, as we all know, those deep underlying emotions and desires are never far away. I would always return but at the same time with a sense of denial about who or what I was, something I finally admitted to myself and faced up to in more recent times. Britain was a different place in the 60’s, 70’s and even 80’s, those days before the internet; people who did not fit the mould were outcasts with little sympathy or understanding, something that is easy to forget in these relatively more liberal times.
I was brought up by my parents to believe that the route to a happy and successful life was through education. And so in my teenage years I threw myself headlong into my academic studies. I’ve always tried to do my best in this respect, albeit with varying degrees of success (no pun intended!), and it was a way to divert my thoughts and energies in a more productive direction. Furthermore, moving away from home to university meant there was not a ready made wardrobe to hand, so opportunities were now limited to visits back home during the holidays.
Then came two major changes in my life: entering the world of world of work, but more significantly, getting married. Unfortunately, I never told my wife about the ‘other side’ of me before we sealed the knot, something I regret but also something I was still very much in denial about at the time, a mistake in retrospect. Looking back I think it was at this point that the rollercoaster ride that is Yolanda started to gain momentum. For the first time in many years I had ready access to everything female, a temptation too hard to resist. I was like a kid in a sweet shop, waiting for the moments here an there to satisfy my desires once more but always tainted with that uneasiness that goes with life behind a closed door, that my wife would return unexpectedly. It was a heady mix of adrenaline, excitement, gratification yet fear of my world exploding in front of my eyes.
I was never discovered, luckily, and all the while I was content to muddle along, work and home life interspersed with moments of sheer pleasure. Then, with the arrival of two children life became a whole lot more complex. At the same time work was getting ever more pressurised and frequent shift hours were draining. There was little window to indulge my pleasures on a regular basis, which wasn’t a problem as there were too many other things going on in my life to care from day-to-day. Instead I would look forward to school holiday times, every 6-8 weeks when my wife used to take my sons away for a few days to visit the grandparents leaving me with the house to myself. Bliss! I would so look forward to those days. It would build up gradually in the week or two before. I would 'nip' out during my lunch hour and treat myself to some bits and pieces. My imagination would run riot with the possibilities, the very thought would fill me with butterflies in my stomach and I’d often wake during the night bathed in sweat....crazy! It was uncontrollable, raw excitement. It was as though I was going down with something, but nothing more than wanting to be that woman of my dreams.
Then in the mid 90’s a revolution began to take place, the arrival of the internet and the digital age. This was a game changer for us ‘girls’. In fact, it was at this point that I discovered I wasn’t the only ‘girl’ in the world, there were thousands of others out there like me each with their own unique story but we all shared a common bond. There were now all kinds of advice and information available at the click of a button and with the advent of online shopping I could now buy my own clothes and develop my own style. Anything I purchased I could have delivered to store and collected at my convenience, no questions asked.
In September 2004, having been confined to the closet for so many years, I decided it was now time to step out into the wider world. First was a trip to a bungalow on an estate in Croydon to meet with a group of local ‘girls’….‘The Friends of the Firebird’. This was the first time anyone had seen me ‘en femme’. I was both excited but nervous. I nearly didn’t make it (couldn’t find the place!!) but was so glad I did. I remember someone commenting on the fact that my hands were shaking uncontrollably as I tried to paint my nails....that’s how nervous I was! All I know is I breathed the biggest sigh of relief when I eventually arrived back home and stepped through the front door. I’d done it, mission accomplished. Yolanda was born, a fun loving, vivacious girl with a passion for red wine (and a penchant for the odd cigarette!)....the complete opposite of the drab, boring male I lived the life of on a daily basis.
Around this time I bought my first digital camera (which I use to this day....every t-girls best friend…lol). I started to take one or two tentative pictures (I still have some of them just to remind me how bad I looked....lol) and used these to create a profile which I could share over the ‘net’. In February 2005 I joined the ‘tvchix’ website. There was no going back from here.
As a result of my night out in Croydon I came into contact with another ‘girl’ who was also from the Redhill area, Linda Harper. We struck up a friendship and she came over to see me on a couple of occasions. It was with Linda that I went to Transmissions in April 2005. What a night that was, one of the best experiences of my life. How I wanted more of this. Call it a mid-life crisis, but it hit me....life really is too short to have regrets. Unfortunately, I lost contact with Linda. She transitioned and we both went our separate ways.
I was starting to get more confident. In the August of 2005, with everyone away, I invited Cherry Candy (Auntie Cherry!) over for an evening. Then in October, on a recommendation from Cherry, I made contact with Suzi, a very close and dear friend to this day. She allowed me into her world and I was introduced to so many new and wonderful people. Thank you Suzi!! xx
At this point my wife still knew nothing of this secret life I was leading. It was another 18 months down the line before I finally managed to pluck up the courage to tell her the truth. As time slipped by I was beginning to get the sense that everything was starting to run out of control and that I couldn’t handle this double life any longer. Yolanda was taking charge and when she couldn’t have her way bouts of depression started to follow. On a weekend, I would frequent various chat rooms late into the early hours, often with a glass of red, or two or three. It was on one of these nights with everyone long gone to bed, that I decided it was a good idea to get ‘dolled up’. Unfortunately, at the end of the night, and much the worse for drink, I ended up leaving my pink strappy sandals in the hallway. Needless to say, my wife was first out in the morning and spotted them immediately. The first I knew of it was when I heard her cry ‘who’s shoes are these?’ I flew down the stairs and whisked them out of sight. We looked at each other but nothing was said. Off she went leaving me to stew and think up my excuses. I was expecting the worst but strangely enough, on her return, no questions were asked, but I knew from this moment I would have to ‘come clean’, it was just a matter of when.
The following year, August 2006, Mel Daniels came down from Derby to stay for the night. We had chatted online for some time but eventually got the chance to meet and share our experiences for an evening, over a glass or two of wine, naturally. We both decided we wanted to do BNO….and so it was later that year (November), with the lovely Charlotte Anne Phoenix (last seen at August LFF a few weeks ago!!). Another unforgettable night....Transmissions all over again….I was in a state of euphoria. This was like a drug and I was hooked.
It was only a matter of days after meeting Mel that the moment of truth finally came with my wife. It was late on the first Sunday in September (I think). Both boys were away for a few days, and with no plans for a half-term break in October (no holiday to cancel come the worst!!), it seemed the perfect opportunity. It wasn’t until very late, after spending the day pottering around the house rehearsing the script, that I eventually ‘bit the bullet’ and somehow forced the words out. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, especially with the thought in the back of my mind that if this all goes horribly wrong it could potentially be the end of the road for us, and how was I going to explain that to family and friends?....never mind the fall out for the kids. But to my surprise (I always thought my wife would go ballistic!) she was very understanding, well at least at first. We talked a lot initially (that helps!!) and things seemed to be going well, but as time progressed one or two cracks started to appear and she seemed less accommodating. Perhaps the very fact that she didn’t give me a ‘straight red’ I took as a licence to push the boundaries more and more. There followed a night out at the Way Out Club, Pink Punters for BNO, Philbeach and Sparkle….the world was my oyster now. Where was this all going??
I started having laser hair removal treatment on my face at the back end of 2007….this whole Yolanda thing was getting more serious! Next up was Transister Brighton, CandyGirls, and more recently Magic Theatre and Totton disco. Daytime shopping, night-time clubbing, there seemed no bounds. Life was a party! In all of this my wife has been fantastic under very difficult circumstances. I have no doubt that she would rather things had been different but she has stuck by me through the ups and downs and I can’t thank her enough for her support. I’m sure she’ll never get her head around it all, and she probably doesn’t want to anyway, but she has given it her best shot and I can’t ask for more than that. She has met Yolanda on numerous occasions and although she doesn’t have a problem she clearly feels uncomfortable and admits she tolerates more than accepts. She doesn’t want to get involved, so she leaves me to do my own thing and doesn’t want to know the detail, which is fine with me. I can only imagine what it would be like if the tables were turned. How would I cope?....not as well I should imagine!!
The party carried on for a few more years, then at the start of 2012 that sense of frustration that comes with a life of secrecy started to gather momentum again. As my children have got older (my eldest is 17 and youngest 13) the freedom that Yolanda once had at home has become more and more constrained. They are no longer willing to go away with my wife to visit the relatives, which is only natural, as they have their own circle of friends. The days of me being home alone and entertaining for the evening are all but over. Also, my eldest is up all hours making it awkward for me to get back home late at night without being noticed.
Everything came to a head one Sunday in February. A pressure had been building inside of me for some time and suddenly it erupted. I was consumed by a sensation of being completely overwhelmed and not being able to cope anymore. I felt light headed and my heart began to flutter. Then suddenly I thought it had stopped! What was happening to me? I decided to take myself off to A&E and get checked over as a precautionary measure. An ecg was performed and eventually I was passed over to the duty doctor to discuss the events of the day. Physically all seemed well. He now wanted to understand the underlying cause for (and what I now realise was) this panic attack. My wife was with me at the time, but on the doctor’s suggestion she left the room. This gave me the space I needed to tell my story. He listened with sympathy and recommended I should see my GP to seek further help, perhaps in the form of medication. Living life out of a suitcase was not good and my health was suffering.
It was at the beginning of April that I made that appointment with my GP. A further ecg was carried out and a blood test. These confirmed that physically I was in good shape. The focus was now on my mental wellbeing. One recommendation was the use of anti-depressants as a short term solution to managing my condition. This was something I wanted to avoid. Instead, I needed to address the route cause. So, having talked things through with my GP, and with the blessing of my wife, it was agreed that the best way forward would be to sit down with my eldest son and explain to him about myself and the events of recent months. This would be my pressure release. It was a few weeks later that we had that chat, probably one of the hardest, if not the hardest thing I’ve had to do in my life (next to telling my wife!). Thankfully he was amazing. The conversation couldn’t have gone better even if I’d written the script myself. He listened and said it wasn’t a problem for him, he was ‘cool’ about it....I was still his dad and that’s all that mattered. I had turned a corner and the only way was up. My sense of relief was immeasurable. Since then, those feelings of anxiety and panic have largely subsided. I am now in a far better place than I was at the start of the year. My future challenge will be to tell my youngest but that’s somewhere down the line when hopefully, like my eldest, he’s mature enough to understand.
As I approach 50 (next year) I am constantly reassessing my life and where it’s all going. As those who already know me appreciate, I was made redundant in 2009 after 20 years as a chemist with one of the big pharmas. Luckily, 8 months later I got the dream job (lol)….busy, but without the stress I had before and with lots of holidays, what could be better!! Perhaps I think too much at times and should just enjoy every day as it comes, but as I’ve got older I find myself wanting to be Yolanda more and more as if she is slowly winning this battle that is raging within me. I’ve even kicked around the idea of experimenting with hormones, but in the harsh light of day I have to realise my limitations….and the health risks associated with self medication, so probable best not to go there. I think my ideal would be to live as Yolanda full time apart from work (that’s definitely not practical). Who knows where this rollercoaster ride will take me, I just give thanks to the wonderful friends I’ve met thus far (especially: Cassie, Susannah, Kirsty, Sophie, Jenni, Melinda and, of course, Suzi) who have made life fun and exciting but at the same time given me a sense of perspective, kept my feet firmly on the ground and stopped my emotions getting the better of me. All sounds a bit deep and serious and I do have my moments but, in reality, I’m just a fun loving girl out for a good time. So far this year I’ve had nights out at BNO (three times!), Soho, Leeds (twice…thanks to Cassie Taylor, my partner in wine....lol!....and all the northern girls we met, in particular, Louise Cox and Andrea Wade, who made us so welcome xx) and Manchester, with Southampton on the horizon at the end of September. Mine’s a glass of red please....large!!....lol....To the future!
And finally, thank you to Stella for providing this site for us ‘girls’. I wouldn’t be where I am today without it. Also, thank you to everyone who has signed my guestbook with such lovely comments over the years. I’m totally flattered but appreciate each and every one of them, it does make a difference.
Yolanda xXXx
Interests:
Cross-dressing, Shopping, Online chat, Office wear, Lingerie, Dressed nights out, Watching porn, Panties, Hair accessories, Email chat, Wigs, Other TGirls, Full Makeup, Evenings, Weekends, Can Travel, Trendy/Modern club wear, No Male Admirers Please!, Mature, Uniforms, Experienced, Tights/Pantihose, Nightclubs, Females, Attached, Friendship
Not yet joined the growing tvChix community?
Sign up now, and chat to thousands of pretty transvestites,
crossdressers, and T-Girls in your area, for FREE!
Site design and feature presentation is Copyright tvChix 2004-2024. tvChix is a registered trademark in the United Kingdom, European Union and United States.
