EmberWinters I know what I am now, and what I deserve
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Last Visited:
25 May, 2026
Registered:
25 April, 2025
Location:
Maidstone, Kent, England
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Post-op Transsexual
Favorite Look:
Classy / Stylish
I’ve been catching myself in the mirror the last few weeks. It’s like physically I know it’s me but at the same time I’m like ‘who is this stranger?’ It’s hard sometimes to digest exactly what it is that has happened to me. As in what I’ve done to myself I guess. It feels right cause I’m more comfortable but it’s also just really bizarre. It’s like I made a whole new person and jumped into their life and just abandoned my old one. Like that person disappeared from existence and it’s all my fault. Even in photos I’m looking at what I am now and I have this strangest feeling that comes over me. Guilt? Or relief? Very different things but maybe I’m feeling both. I feel like I deserve to be punished for what I did to the person that doesn’t exist anymore. But at the same time I’m glad it’s over for them. But it’s like what happens to me now? Is this who I am for the rest of the time I have left? I hope so. I want to hold onto these feelings. But everything is starting to feel like sand in my fingers. I need something to hold onto that won’t fade away.
I don’t know if I’m alone on this… but I feel torn apart? Does anyone else feel that? It’s like you were living one life. And then with one conversation everything changes. One drop of truth and you are lost in this ocean of consequences. Rejection. Hate. Resentment. Felt like I was drowning in it for so long. Then someone offers you a hand, but the hand has conditions. Suddenly I’m someone else. Guided into this new version of me, the version he wanted. Then it ends… The version of yourself you started with is completely gone. He saw to that. Good riddance really. But then you’re his. But he doesn’t want you… How does this me, the one he created, exist in a world he isn’t in? I guess I had to make yet another version of myself. But this one doesn’t seem as polished… or admittedly as sane lol. Like I said… I just feel like I’m being wrapped by waves, pulled under, deeper. My identity torn apart. Just left confused.
Hi :)
My name is Elena. I was on here a while back. Here I am again.
I’m brunette, hazel eyes, slim build, 5ft 10.
The last 10 years have been a whirlwind I suppose.
I tried to off myself, then I learned to accept who I am.
I came out and lost everything. I was alone until I managed to build up a new life. I found new people, and managed to reconnect with some old ones to.
I started hormones, faced the lasers, voice training and all the good stuff. Got all the legal stuff sorted. New birth certificate and such.
Things settled down for a bit until I kind of lost myself. I tried to off myself again. I guess I didn’t feel worthy of this life. But I found myself again.
I met a man… I know… god help me. He opened a few doors. I learnt some things about who I was, and what I needed. It’s over now but I’m grateful for the time we had.
The wait seemed to last forever. That hate for the body I was living in. But then suddenly SRS was all booked. I had the surgery and a few months later I was all healed up. Learnt some more new things about myself. Physically I felt much more comfortable. I guess this is as close to the real me I’m going to get.
Now in present day. I have my own place, a good job, stability. But I think I’ve lost myself again. I tried to do it again last week. And I’m not over it yet.
Im hoping to make some friends. People that understand. People that need someone to understand.
I look forward to chatting and hopefully meeting! <3
——————————————
I come alive to the sounds of lightning,
In a dingy damp tower so frightening,
Open my eyes for the first time so exciting,
You’re watching me like I’m fascinating,
(Oh gosh I hope I’m worth all this reanimating)
We’ll dance under the flames of villagers torches,
And run into the night from pointy pitchforkses,
Escape the clutches of an angry mob’s hateful forces,
Just my handsome man and his ragdoll made from corpses
I’m your Frankenstein monster sweetie,
Got the bolts and scars and all,
Lay me down on your lab table quickly,
Electrodes for your thunderstorm,
You can stitch me up,
Or tear me down,
Interchangeable parts all around,
I’m your Frankenstein monster sweetie,
Experimental love,
You have to teach me to speak,
I like being your adorable little freak,
You make me feel for the very first time,
All these emotions,
oh so sublime,
(Oh gosh I hope my brains don’t turn to slime)
Dancing forever like a happy zombie,
Made up of the pieces you gave me,
Don’t want this to ever end sweetie,
Let’s get this sleepy graveyard lively,
———————————————————————————————————
Welcome to this blissful story,
Full of twists, turns, and misery,
The people here seem so happy,
And happiness is the dream,
On this joyous day,
In this paradise,
I realise my world has always been a lie,
If I hadn’t stopped myself from drowning,
If water filled my lungs,
if only,
I can’t believe I didn’t foresee,
My bubble would burst in front of everybody,
We people we seem so happy,
And happiness is the dream,
Am I content enough?
Do I look content enough?
Am I content enough?
Do I look content enough?
Am I content enough?
Do I look content enough?
Am I?
Content?
Am I?
Am I?
Am I?
The lie is out,
Can’t sleep now,
Nightmares aren’t real,
When life itself has no appeal,
Are you enjoying this blissful story?
A revelation of misery,
A bitter life of compromise,
Is still better than living a lie,
Life has fallen apart,
And I can never restart,
All part of the delusion I sought,
My worst nightmare is real,
And I don’t know how to feel,
I cannot recover from this reality shattering ordeal,
Interests:
Online chat, Friendship
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