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Profile:
Transgender
Favorite Look:
General / Everyday wear
It seems that my story resonates with a lot of people. I'm often contacted by people who are in a similar situation. I've learned that although we're all in the same boat as such, each of our individual stories and journeys are different because of our own unique circumstances.
I wrote this profile back in 2015, and it maps my journey and my thoughts and emotions at the time. It's been an up and down journey, but I made it through!
Here's my story so far...
I'm Emma - I'm 6ft, blue eyes and short blonde hair. I'm kind, considerate & understanding. I'm creative, love cooking, shopping, my home & family and I'm a bit of a petrol-head! And I have a happy and positive outlook on life. Since puberty, I've had Gynecomastia (lucky me!), so I have small breasts that just about fill a 36B Wonderbra (36A regular bra).
Like most t-girls, I've been so for as long as I can remember. One of my earliest memories (pre-school) was when my mum made me wear a pair of knickers, having just accidentally wet myself. I remember thinking that this isn't a punishment at all!
In those days, I didn't have access to the wealth of information available today. I just thought I was a freak, but knew that for some reason it felt so right. Again, like to many transgendered people, I just put up with it and tried to have a normal life as a male.
I tried to discuss my feelings with my mum, but each time I did, I was met with such disgust that the feelings were just buried. If I was born twenty years later with the information and medical technology that's now available, I would have definitely transitioned pre-puberty.
However, I wasn't! I got married (I made sure my wife knew beforehand) and have an amazing young family. My feelings of guilt, shame and confusion have recently been making my life difficult. So, I now have regular gender counselling, which is like a breath of fresh air. It's so nice to talk openly about my feelings without being judged.
I have worked hard to establish a fairly successful business, have an incredible family (whom I'm so proud of!) and I'm pretty tall, so despite my feelings and my gender identity, I have made a decision not to transition. I have too much to lose.
Seeing a gender counsellor has made me realise that I have kept my gender problems to myself for too long and now I want to find likeminded friends to chat and support. What I'd like more than anything is a (rg) girlfriend - a platonic relationship, a female bessy mate :o)
8th December 2015 - Update
Having had two months of gender counselling, suddenly everything has become clear. I have never thought of myself as two units, just one very confused one. It has now come to light that I have a female brain. Due to a genetic or neurological defect before I was born, my brain took a female identity while my body took the male route! All of a sudden, it all makes sense. Why I think the way I do and have a female desires and feelings. My confusion, frustration, guilt and pain can all be explained. It may seem so obvious now, but knowing that I'm not some freak with deep psychological problems has given me such clarity. I'm not TV or CD, I'm transgendered. But now that I know that, I wonder where I go from here...?
21st January 2016 - Update
My counselling continues. My counsellor is amazing. She's lovely and so non-judgemental (which I guess is her job!). But now the feeling of guilt, disgust & confusion (etc, etc) have gone, I'm left with the overwhelming desire to transition. It's on my mind 24/7. I'm sure this is because the cap of the decades of pent-up feelings has just been taken off and has exposed the core. I need to see how I feel in a few weeks time, once things have settled down a bit. I still don't feel I can take the risk of losing everything - things that are SO dear to me.
29th February 2016 - Update
Thankfully, my feelings and emotions have settled down. Coincidentally, I was contacted by someone on TVChix with THE most amazing story, which really struck a cord with me. Someone who seems to have a similar lifestyle and philosophy to mine. She was so glad (despite starting her transition) that she didn't go through with it for the same reasons as me. So nice to know that you're not alone!
October 2016
Wow! Where has the year gone? My counsellor has told me not to try to determine my journey, i.e. don't say that I will or will not transition, instead go with the flow. I've had some real ups and downs over the past few months. I have now opened my mind to actually transitioning and the feeling of liberation that brings me is unreal! Then something happens and brings me back to earth with a bump. I have also 'come out' to my GP. I was absolutely bricking it, but she was totally amazing! It couldn't have gone any better! Quite surreal really, I have been referred to a geneticist to be tested for Klinefelters Syndrome (mosaic), as well as another gender counsellor and the GIC in Charing Cross. Sometimes my journey makes me so sad, other times so amazingly liberating! Let's see where it goes...
April 2017
Bloody hell! Six months gone by again. My journey continues and I'm spending more time as Emma. I get my legs waxed and Gelish toes painted monthly. I know my own style and feel totally comfortable with my look. My confusion still continues though. When I'm out and about as my female self I have this deep feeling of utter contentment and happiness. And this acceptance of myself and the deep down knowledge that this is right. However, my family are my everything. They mean more to me than I do to myself (does that make sense?). My daughters are young enough to adapt and understand the best they can, probably. But it breaks my heart to break up my family in the selfish pursuit of my own happiness. When I'm female, I think why shouldn't I be happy like this all the time? Then I think of destroying my family and I then realise why. We'll see...
August 2017
Been having some 'serious' chats with my wife about transitioning. She knows that I want to live my life female and would like to transition, but again she has made it clear that we cannot remain a couple if I do. OMG, why does my life have to be so difficult?! I'd be so happy with my life if I wasn't like this! I can't cope being stuck between a rock and a hard place!!
September 2017
Over the last couple of years, I have developed an amazing friendship with another mum (our kids play sport together). It's not like a friendship either of us has had before and we have become soulmates. She couldn't quite put her finger on it, but she sensed there was something very different about me, but never questioned it. We have grown very close (not at all in a romantic way) and we text or see each other most days. She knew that I was having counselling for something and respected me not to ask what it was for. I absolutely HATE lying, probably because my life is built on one HUGE lie! So, as I trusted her with my life I decided to tell her all about me. I was shaking before I told her, worried that I'd face the same rejection that I did from my mum all those years ago. I couldn't have been more wrong! It all made absolute sense to her and has been so warm and supportive ever since. I am so lucky to have the best girlie friend I could ever have and ALWAYS wanted. Thank you my bestie - I know you'll never read this, but I owe you so much you've brought me back from a dark place on more than one occasion.
October 2018
Life for Emma has been on hold for a year for work commitments mainly. But I'm hoping that my life will be back on track shortly. I've tried my best to keep sane, but I'm often overwhelmed by great sadness. Thank goodness for my bestie who has kept me on a level. Just having a girlfriend to talk to who understands me and my situation has been a life saver. She's been in training to be a counsellor and she's such a great listener and has been so supportive. We talk about so many 'normal' things from nail colours, shopping, fashion to family life. I'm experiencing a 'normal' female life as Emma, for which I am eternally grateful to her for.
Long overdue update
At the end of 2018 I stopped coming on TVCHIX for a while, as I got my head around family life and the need to be Emma. Decided I needed to transition, which would ultimately mean divorce and a whole new life
Interests:
Boots, Online chat, Office wear, Admirers / men, Full Makeup, High Heels, Trendy/Modern club wear, Tights/Pantihose, Females, Attached, Friendship, Dresses, Skirts
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