I’m here to meet people, share stories and experiences, and be our ideal selves together.
I always encourage those who are in the closet. Because I was there for a long time. (still a lengthy process) but I’m amazed of where I’ve come from and am so interested in the psychology behind it all that I even wrote an album about it. Read on if you’d like to delve into my diary and learn where that all came from.
If you'd like updates about my music and music videos I'm making, best to add to my mailing list via my website. I don't send out too often and it's only ever about the releases.
Join here: bexx.me https://www.bexx.me
I map my gender by the moon cycles to seek correlation. Genderfluid is an apt term.
My kink is... not being kinky! Lol that’s right. I get a kick out of being pretty vanilla.
I see women as intelligent remarkable beings and femininity as a strength and clarity that I like to embody in myself. In doing so, I become my ideal best version of myself.
That’s the idea anyway. Doesn’t always work out that way. I can still be a total d*ck.
Ok.... maybe I’m in denial. We’re all pretty kinky really.
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1. Storyline REWIND:
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Christmas Holidays 1988:
My older sister loves playing games. One such game is to pretend to tie me to the couch and transform me into a girl. Its like there is a big machine with arms that puts on my Dress, Shoes, Makeup, Hair. Then she gets me to dance around like a girl. (She's only done it twice. She must like it! I know I do).
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Sometime in 1989:
Tried on my first pair of tights today. Oooh it felt so good, hiding under my sister's bed but damn....my dad just caught me and laughed. It doesn't dissuade me though. Later, I tried my sister's basic makeup and eyeshadow kit. Rubbish quality but a skilled craftsman doesn't blame his tools.
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Various sporadic occasions from 1989 to 1994:
When my parents were out I'd try on my mother's elegant salmon evening dress. There was also a pair of silver heels, too small for my mum. I later discovered they belonged to my dad's ex-wife! Also there was a wedding veil hidden away from his previous marriage! I wonder if he kept them for himself!
Locked myself in the garage to entrap myself into this old bodice type corset thing. Its actually a mesh for sewing dresses to get the right figure, but it opens up like a cage and I imagined I could put it on and it would mould me into a figure glass shape. I wore a dress over it too. Not very comfortable.
My mum thought I was lost or trapped, came looking for me. I freaked out and couldn't get out of my cage quick enough. She didn't find out though. Said I was catching spiders.
Experimented with ballet shoes, leotard, swimming suit, silk slips, makeup, anything I could find. All the while doing boy stuff too: building things, burning things, shooting things, breaking things, making things.
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1994:
I'm trying dresses and tights on at night, maybe a few times a month. Also, I love these little short heeled shiny black patent heels with a strap and buckle. And these New Look strappy black heels.
One such dress is a little black number. Size 8 with a sewn in satin slip and thin straps over the shoulders.
When I get the urge, I sneak into my sister's wardrobe and borrow a dress for the night. When everybody is asleep and the house is quiet, I silently put them on. The next day I put them back exactly as I found them so nobody knows.
Me and my sister are going to a Christmas Disco. My mum asks "what dress are you wearing" I blush and don't know what to answer, thinking of the LBD I'm so fond of.
Sometimes theres a transvestite or transgendered person on TV. My dad disapproves. Always says its wrong or disgusting. He likes Dame Edna though.
I'm confused.
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1995-1997:
I fancy girls. Not boys. Too shy to speak to them though.
One in particular I am obsessed with. Love her white strappy high heels she wore at the disco. Love her hair and clothes style. We occasionally glance at each other and communicate by hidden looks. I know she fancies me too. I imagine being older and more confident. Maybe with me repairing a car or something in my own garage...My own business. When Rebecca comes in and says "where are you?" Giggling as she has something great to say about her day.
I don't always want to go out on trips with my parents. If they say they are going to see a film, event, etc, sometimes I will deliberately stay at home to dress up.
I've discovered foundation. Makes a BIG difference! But I have short hair. I tie a little silk shawl over my hair. It completely changes my face. I like the look. But I don't leave it on for long, anxious of when they may return.
I try to find creative ways of improving my look. One idea is to cellotape lots of threads of cotton together to create hair. ..... It doesn't work well! I'll stick to the shawl idea!
I collect dresses in my book shelf now. Then I Purge! Sorry Sister. That was a lovely blue and white cotton summer mini-dress. I wish I kept it now....but I burned it in the garden with some tights I stole. And threw out that silk white slip. It was a few sizes too big anyway and I needed a safety pin to wear it.
When the urge comes over me, I can't resist to dress. But later, I hate it.
I write my daily diary of general things in my life. I keep a secret code for every time I dress by putting a star in the corner. And, without mentioning my secret, I feel its necessary to apologise to my parents for what I do behind their backs. Just for them to read if they ever find out.
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University:
The first few weeks on campus, I ignore my secret desires and focus on meeting others, starting anew and learning how to cook from my dad’s quick and easy recipes he scribbled on a sheet of A4.
My first dish is an absolute disaster. Shamefully it is only spag bog out of a packet from Aldi, so what could go wrong?! Sometimes, you’ve got to make the big mistakes to be able to be the best!
A few weeks in and those desires return. Behavioural patterns that are deep seated. Even with a change of scenery, my inner leopard isn’t moving her spots for long. I become rather introverted and when I return home to my parents, I find ways to smuggle out some goods and supplies. I realise my sister has forgotten all about the black charcoal type eyeshadow and Charlie bronzer. So those become mine. A squirt of mum’s foundation goes in a scrap of cling film and one or two garments are borrowed that I know won’t be missed.
Back on campus, the absence of any dresses allows for improvisation. My bedsheets, wrapped tightly around my body create a similar feel when alone at night. It probably looked more like a private toga party.
In the new term, I discover the beauty of having your own postal address on campus. eBay serves my first cheap wig. A short ish aubern mess of a hairpiece. Neither smart or suited to me, but what an upgrade!
Online shopping has begun.
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The final year at Uni sees the beginnings of my first long term relationship with Amanda. She is anxious, I am avoidant. I get pleasure from buying many heels and dresses for her and gain lots of inspiration from her makeup routine. Dark eyeliner, top and bottom, with purple eyes is her favourite look.
I find I can suppress my needs to dress myself, because of this hot Latina princess I’m now hanging out with. Of course, after a while, ‘normality’ resumes and when she’s away, I try on those items I bought for her.
“Are you wearing eyeliner?” She asks after a trip away! I develop ways to lie or cover it up and develop a more efficient make up removal method.
I ask her if I can give her a complete makeover and choose her clothes. I do the full works, how I think I’d like it on myself, but on her. It’s not easy applying this to someone else’s face. “I look like a drag queen” she says! I dress her in a white cocktail dress and red heels from Harlot that I bought for her at £89, do her hair in a new style and we have dinner with my parents! She pretends to be Russian! For me, it feels like having a new girlfriend... Perfect for my avoidant attachment style!
I often choose which mini skirt I would like her to wear, but she sticks to the makeup!
After 5 years, we move in together and shortly after, separate, but continue to discuss it, negotiate and try again for another 5 years.
On separation, I consider that I use those red Harlot shoes more than she and take back some of my ‘gifts’, justifying by the fact her room is such a mess that she will never notice anything missing anyway.
I find an 8 month rebound candidate to fill the hole but Amanda felt jilted and got herself a married man to sleep with. She took great pleasure in divulging which green satin mini dress she was wearing when she took him back after the work party. I find I actually enjoy learning about it and, despite the sick feeling of losing my partner to another, I ask for more details.
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Girlfriends come and go.
Expensive dresses are bought for girls and cheaper ones for me. A few new wigs come in but they get tangled and look dull quickly, I don’t know how to look after them.
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Christmas 2010:
One crazy foreign girl cheats on me after a few-month fling when seeing the look of love in another man’s eyes at a salsa class. As he’s a BBC actor, she must sleep with him. I decide I’ve had enough of women and book a solo holiday to wales between Christmas and New year.
I never gave her the Christmas presents anyway so I had a new pair of heels and a slip from Primark.
I pop an advert on a forum “boyfriend wanted”. I didn’t actually want a boyfriend, but thought it sounded catchy! I get a lot of responses, even with no clear photo of myself. Some call on the phone and explain how they like their Bois! All very new to me, I’m a bit sickened by the gayness of it all. Luckily, for my conscience, tonight it snowed so no one is able to visit the guesthouse anyway. I hide away on my own, with the leftover weed my recent ex left behind. With Fergie singing about her borderline on the music video channel I take the first good photos that I decide I will keep.
One guy who responded to this first attempt keeps in touch by email for another 2 years.
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August 2012:
Finally, we meet on the day Usian Bolt wins and Curiosity lands.
I drive to Wales again. Dress in the car and try to avoid being seen by the locals.
I wear a purple zebra dress that my sister ‘borrowed me’ many years prior and some green strappy sandals I relieved from their boring existence under some clothes and dust in Amanda’s flat.
He had been renovating his new cottage. But it is good enough to have a few drinks in.
In my stomach, I mix my cider with two bottles of wine and guzzle a bit more when he’s not looking, to quell the knots tieing inside. “Staying over then are you?” He jokingly asks!
He takes some photos of me and remarks on how good I look. Proceeds to touch me and kiss. I run to the bathroom, throwing up the toxins. Head saturated with adrenaline, emotions and dizzyness.
Returning home, I’m wondering why I wanted to put the effort in and meet someone. I’m not gay. It’s too late to transition now and I’m sure that it’s not for me anyway. The idea of having a sex change would come up but I’d soon dismiss it. So what am I?
I still fancy girls. Crushes and temporary conventional flings continue.
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Jan 2013:
My first major image change comes with an impulsive splash out of £79 on a green satin dress from Coast and a new wig called Bounce from Freetress Equal. Late Christmas presents to myself!
What an amazing change. I start to see the benefit of spending more on my dressing. My exhibitionism is limited to my bedroom, dodging housemates to the bathroom when they’re in, or taking over the house when I know they’re out.
More photos are taken, I now have a standalone laptop exclusive to my photo collection!
Online profiles begin!
My secret stash is now 2 or 3 bags in the bottom of the wardrobe.
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2: SYNOPSIS:
Genderfluid non binary androgyne professional artist type.
I am dress size 10-12, shoe size 7.5 (US 9.5 fits perfectly), 5" tall, brunette hair usually, eyes are amazing, and I weigh about 1kg.
If you wanna chat with me about some random thing, I'm sure I can find something about it that I can relate to! x
If I'm in the chatroom, feel free to private chat, or drop me emails! Hit me up and lets make friends! :)
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3: LATEST NEWS:
Sep 2018: 5 year relationship ends after a long and painful breakup: Full body waxing begins.
Sep 2018: First dressed outing in Blaize Park in day time with a friend. The adults are fine, but its the kids that don't stop staring!
Dec 2018: A friend sent me shoes. First time anyone has ever bought me girl clothes as a present! 3 pairs in fact :0 And a dress.... Ones I chose online and will love forever! These Mexican ankle boots are amazing and have contributed hugely to my normal going out image in 2019. One lady said "If I saw a woman in the street wearing those, I'd run away... If I met a man wearing those, I'd want to marry him!" Sort of a David Bowie look! Thanking you forever <3
Apr 2019: Got myself out to Bombshell this week! First time out dressed clubbing, ever!
Had no expectations and lots of fun! A liberating freedom to walking around a capital city looking totes hot.
Met an Italian friend for champers, got a Deliveroo (with Sake!), then Ubered it to the Klub on my own where I didn't need to buy another drink! So 21st Century. :)
Sat 25th May 2019 PINK PUNTERS TONIGHT!!!!!! Smashed it with thee amazing Jules and Kymba from Chix.
Sat 20th July: Al Fresco’s Disco Afterparty at Dare 2 club, Bristol! Thanks for the invite Vee!
Smashed it! We were the only two t-people there amongst a ‘normal night out’ crowd. Connected with so many people and actually this night changed my life and gave me the idea for my new creative project.
Obviously the first time out in my hometown, meant I bumped into someone I knew, but I still don't know if they even recognised me!
7th August: Got both ears pierced for the first time in my life ever! (I already bought 2 pairs as mental preparation!)
8-9th August: Great photoshoot for my new creative project! See the link above if you're interested.
9th August: Night out at Bear Bar Bristol, still looking good after a 2 day shoot!
My first time ever at Queens Shilling and OMG bar! Another normal night out. Lovely to connect with people this way again. Why did I not do this sooner? (Oh! I remember why!)
Fri 13th September: My first BNO ever: Stayed at the Doubletree MK Stadium, had one at the Campanile, and discovered more and more rooms I'd never seen before at Pinks. Great to meet new people. Why didn't I do this years ago? Drank, chatted, photos, danced, moshed, splashed gin everywhere that the staff just swept up like it wasn't a problem.
Sat 14th September: Sunny Milton Keynes Pride in the park with the light cone and the amphitheatre. Some good bands on later but why they don't prioritise getting a good sound system for the bands, I'll never know. (I know security takes the biggest piece of the pie, but sound quality needs to be higher on the list).
Left the Safezone at 7pm and went back into the public domain for arancini e polpette at Zizzi with Jules.
Sat 29th Sep: Obviously my outings are becoming more frequent: An experiment with a new way to apply false eyelashes turned into a night out to Bear Bar. Met new friends and drank, yet still got up for yoga the next morning! :D
Sat 5th Oct: Out again, this time was the first time out with a "realworld" friend. A cis girl I've known for 5 years. We've been talking about taking a girls night out for a while and took the opportunity at DTYM, Phoenix bar Bristol. Others were going to come but didn't see anyone else I knew, only made new friends. Damn running out of makeup all the time with all this going out! :D
Sat 26th Oct: Brexit Dinner Party (as a hot italian chica) and Tribe of Frog, Lakota! Ok... im getting used to this now..... love it. ;) Met a freakazoid alien girl and chatted about art, travel, danced and hit it off.
Sat 9th Nov: Lakota again! Tired now, but the show must go on! Thank you Vee and the crew.
Thur 28th Nov: Club Pedestal. 3 day date in London with a freakazoid alien I met at Tribe of Frog.
Day 1: Contents Censored.
Day 2: Met Shandra from Chix for coffee and pastel de nata! Went to a fire circle jam with my date.
Day 3: Contemporary ballet!
Sat 14th Dec: Wait! What? Bristol, Drag Queen event, followed by a live looping jam with Jupiter.
They coaxed me up onto the stage, where I just made mischief and the crowd loved it.
Had to do a catwalk, so my Vogue lessons paid off! :) I don't know what I did, but I took my top off, jumped on the floor and threw my leg in the air. Won 3rd prize (because I'm not actually a drag queen!), for just being me! (A £10 Kiko voucher! Yay!)
Fri 24 Jan: End of Drab January! Out in Soho: Z hotel Mimi's Hotel, Friendly Society, Freedom bar with Jules and 12 girls and a fire spin by the Thames with Dani who i met in October.
Took the underground, the bus, almost took a rickshaw but it was a dodgy set up drug deal robbery. I totally became part of the scenery.
Sun 16th Feb: Hotel trip courtesy of Storm Dennis, so I made some music videos to release later!
Sat 29th Feb: TRIBE OF FROG! Made friends, danced and partied with Dani at Lakota. Met Sam, who I thought met me as a girl for the first time back in October, but it turns out we met 8-10 years ago when I was a man! (Left at 6am, only cos I had a kids party the next morning).
Sun 15th / Mon 16th March: LOCKDOWN RECORDING SESSION JAM WITH JUPITER, my genderfluid sonic oracle. We recorded vocals for a song on my album called "A girl with love to share" which is a healing song I wrote last year to a younger and confused self. We then had an epic jam to explore the reaches of the cosmos in music and art. Please check my facebook page for videos. LOVE.
Sun 5th July: Trans Radio UK Virtual Pride. Who needs to go out anymore when you can connect with people and listen to great artists on the internet radio? Mike Maingard gave me an ab fab introduction with 2001 Space Oddity theme opening. So great to be welcomed into a new family on their chat room.
Really inspired to keep going now :D
Friday 24th July, 8.30pm: Live Stream launch gig on Facebook, Youtube and Instagram for single 2.
Lockdown lack of hairdressers has meant that I've passed tipping point and now want to grow my hair. Learning how to harness the hair powers of coffee and Flax seeds.
Sat 1st August: Was hot on the strip and it felt like a holiday in Greece. Julia_M joined me in Bristol and we painted the town with gins at No.51, a local bar with a veranda before walking around Park Street, and back through the town centre (wouldn't have dreamed of doing this more than a year ago), trying to find a decent rum but everything was closing due to nightlife Covid regulations. What a time we're living in.
Sat 15th August: Amazing 2nd Jam session with Jupiter. Recorded more than 5 hours of material and thousands of videos.
September: Decided its time to try IPL again.
Wed 11th November 2020: Its lockdown 2 but a new single is coming out soon. Performed it on Live stream on Facebook.
March 2021: I'm releasing a new single next month called FREEDOM!
Mar 2021: Had my first proper full live gig as BexX in a venue, with good sound engineer, stage lighting and house band. Singing to a seated crowd of 100 with a cover of Lilac Wine and my next release that's part of my EP coming out on 25th March.
It was for an International Women's Day Concert. And it felt so good to be putting on makeup in the dressing room with the other ladies. I loved performing with them and getting such great reaction from the audience.
I have a new song out in March called 'A Girl With Love To Share'. - It has been a big collaboration taking about 4 years of hard work! Find it on Youtube!
AMAZING: It's been selected to be played on the BBC Upload show a month before release! :)
They said - "An amazing song! You should be incredibly proud of this track"
Others are saying it's going to help so many lgbt / trans spectrum people.
April 2021: Release failed, because I booked it for 2020 by mistake.... it was meant to be! I am now focusing on the EP release which is bigger badder and better!
OMGOMGOMOG i just started doing gel nails with UV LED LIGHTS! amazeballs ! I knew this existed but I never had the kit myself! SOOOOOOO GOOOOOOD OMGOOMGOMGOMOG
June 2021. 3 girls in the back of a taxi video shoot. ;)
June 2021: I’ve been researching hair extensions for about a year. And growing my hair since the hairdressers closed due to lockdowns. And.... (da da daaaaa da da daaaaa)... NOW IS THE TIME!! I did it myself (built my own mirror ceiling to see behind me). It took me 8hours in total. Spread over a week. I wore it out to an event on Saturday and nobody could tell. It was subtle enough that I look the same but sexier, younger and more lively perhaps. :). Wow what joy new hair brings. I had no idea.
So my latest profile pic is my own hair. For the first time!
June 2021. Hen party holiday week!!! 5 girls, Cornwall, 3 million permutations of outfit.
Hair extensions and gel nails, surf, sand and cliff edges.... and gin.
July 2021: Valley fest.... 3 days, totally gorgeous festival. I was feeling sexy and free.
Aug 2021: Did the first BexX gig at a private party. If you want me to play at yours, let me know!
Sep 2021: Music video shoot around Bristol for a local international artist. Was great to be asked to be in it!
Oct 2021: Tribe of Frog.... its been nearly 2 years since I last went! This time was so epic. I had fairy lights in my hooped earrings and LEDS in my hair.
Aug 2021: Did the first real life BexX gig at a private party. If you want me to play at yours, let me know!
June 2022. GLASTO. did 3 gigs and taught the kids music in full makeup.
September 3rd, 2022.
I stood on stage in front of 1600 people in full makeup and a black velvet dress I bought for halloween 4 years ago when I was with my ex and so much wanted to come out to my friends by going as role reverse-Mortisha and Gomez but my ex chickened out at last minute, slandering my friends as witches and perverts and she would do anything to stop me sharing my dressing up outside of our bedroom. I was never allowed out
29 Oct: omg my girlfriends are taking me to TG tonight!!
Feb 2023 Mandidextrous Gig Was INsaine. 8 hour day rave at lost horizons. My new look is my current main profile pic.
June 2023:I’m playing Glasto. Fri 23rd June. 5pm-6.45pm
Sistrxhood in Shangai-La.
Be Experimental is my interactive concert. Where the audience become the show, vocalising their written ideas to a soundtrack that I spontaneously improvise live with loops and samples.
It is a judgement free space where I welcome non-singers to take to the mic.
More than just a jam session, we go on an entire journey through sound and emotions.
Sistrxhood is a FLINT community. You have to identify as female, lesbian, intersex, non binary or trans to enter.
If you’re at Glasto this year, come join me :)
WARNING: Any institutions or individuals using this page or any of its associated sites for studies or projects- PLEASE DO take my sh*t and spread it wherever you like, share my links and tell the world I'm here. If you don't, it will be considered a violation of humanity and will be subject to legal ramifications.
Interests:
Shopping, Online chat, Dressed nights out, Admirers / men, Other TGirls, Full Makeup, Convincing, High Heels, Daytimes, Evenings, Weekends, Trendy/Modern club wear, Experienced, Micro/Mini skirts, Outdoor Fun, Pubs, Nightclubs, Satin/Silk, I am a non-smoker, Females, Friendship, Photography, Art Exhibitions, Museums, Movies / Cinema, Good Food / Wine, Music Festivals / Gigs, Comedy Clubs / Festivals, Holidays / Travel, TV/TG Activism & Awareness, Historic Places / Architecture, Professional Photography, Web Design, Computer related help/advice, Musician / Sound engineer, Dressing / Makeup Services, Makeup advice, Mature Admirers / Men, Counselling / Life coach, Dresses, Books & Literature, Theatre
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